Kitchen Crimes

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White electric mini waffle maker open with six car and truck shaped waffles on its plate, with product box and photos of seven car and truck waffle shapes to the right.

Cars and Trucks Waffle Maker - Somebody's midlife crisis smells like syrup.

Somebody's midlife crisis smells like syrup. Read the Breakdown →

Gold-colored metal bottle opener shaped like a golf club with a black textured handle, shown opening a brown glass beer bottle.

Golf Club Bottle Opener - He found a way to make beer about golf.

He found a way to make beer about golf. Read the Breakdown →

Two views of a black apron with white cat print worn by a person; in one view the upper section is lifted, revealing a hidden novelty prop that protrudes.

Gag Apron - The cats are the least alarming part, somehow.

The cats are the least alarming part, somehow. Read the Breakdown →

Roll of gift wrapping paper printed with a close-up macaroni and cheese pattern on a white background.

Mac and Cheese Wrapping Paper - Nobody trusts a gift that looks like it needs a napkin.

Nobody trusts a gift that looks like it needs a napkin. Read the Breakdown →

Red crab-shaped utensil rest perched on the rim of a black pot, holding a wooden spoon across the top.

Crab Spoon Rest - You hired a crab to manage the spoon.

You hired a crab to manage the spoon. Read the Breakdown →

Yellow tin labeled Fried Chicken Candy with a cartoon drumstick face, shown with two brown and yellow striped hard candies in front.

Fried Chicken Candy - The Venn diagram of sugar and fryer oil should not be a circle.

The Venn diagram of sugar and fryer oil should not be a circle. Read the Breakdown →

Stainless steel pizza cutter shaped like a small axe with a curved pine wood handle and engraved runes on the blade.

Pizza Axe - There was a normal cutter and you chose war.

There was a normal cutter and you chose war. Read the Breakdown →

Ceramic novelty mug shaped like a pair of breasts with nipples on the front, light pink glaze with a side handle and dark interior.

Boob Mug - Please keep it facing the wall.

Please keep it facing the wall. Read the Breakdown →

Two cowboy hat-shaped wine bottle stoppers in brown and tan on wine bottles, with packaging that says Howdy Bottle Stoppers.

Cowboy Hat Wine Stoppers - The bottle does not need a sheriff.

The bottle does not need a sheriff. Read the Breakdown →

Record-shaped drink coasters with colorful center labels and a black holder styled like a miniature turntable, with a sweating pink drink on one coaster.

Vinyl Record Coasters - You made beverages part of your vinyl personality.

You made beverages part of your vinyl personality. Read the Breakdown →

Retail box for a LEGO Salt & Pepper Set showing two single-stud brick-shaped shakers, one white and one black, on yellow packaging.

Brick Salt and Pepper Set - We get it, your dinner needs playtime.

We get it, your dinner needs playtime. Read the Breakdown →

Cartoon-style sponge holder resembling a small figure with a yellow sponge as the head and body, white collar with red tie, brown shorts, yellow arms, black shoes, seated on a round white base.

Cartoon Sponge Holder - The sink did not need a mascot.

The sink did not need a mascot. Read the Breakdown →

Stainless steel spoon engraved with the words "CEREAL KILLER" and smaller text "WEAPON OF CHOICE" on the bowl.

Cereal Killer Spoon - Breakfast did not need a threat.

Breakfast did not need a threat. Read the Breakdown →

Set of 12 yellow crinkle-cut French fry shaped bag clips in a red fries carton holder labeled "Fries Clips," shown in retail packaging and separately.

French Fry Bag Clips - You magnetized fries to the fridge and called it organizing.

You magnetized fries to the fridge and called it organizing. Read the Breakdown →

Gnome Dish Brush - Someone chose whimsy where hygiene should live.

Someone chose whimsy where hygiene should live. Read the Breakdown →

Pair of red silicone pot holders shaped like chattering teeth, shown beside a red retail box labeled Chomp Pot Holders with a photo demonstrating use on a pot.

Chattering Teeth Oven Mitts - I'm not eating anything pinched by chattering teeth.

I'm not eating anything pinched by chattering teeth. Read the Breakdown →

Small sword-shaped handheld cheese grater with blue handle and metal grating surface, shown loose and in retail packaging labeled "Gratiator Cheese Grater".

Sword Cheese Grater - Someone wanted parmesan and a backstory.

Someone wanted parmesan and a backstory. Read the Breakdown →

Black bat-shaped kitchen scissors with bat wing handles and stainless steel blades, shown beside packaging labeled Elizabat Kitchen Scissors and an image of a hand cutting green onions.

Bat Kitchen Scissors - Even the scissors showed up in costume.

Even the scissors showed up in costume. Read the Breakdown →

Hand using a black motorcycle-shaped pizza cutter to slice a cheese pizza on a wooden table, with a small stand nearby.

Motorbike Pizza Cutter - You could have used a knife, but attention was the goal.

You could have used a knife, but attention was the goal. Read the Breakdown →

Gold bullet-shaped whiskey stones in a black revolver cylinder holder beside a whiskey glass and a small wooden box.

Bullet Whiskey Stones - Please stop militarizing the bar cart.

Please stop militarizing the bar cart. Read the Breakdown →