Animal Energy

You didn’t buy a toy, you gave the dog a persona. He now patrols the living room like a retired detective, squinting at everyone and taking meetings on the ottoman. It squeaks, which somehow makes the fake gravitas worse, like a car horn at a funeral. Enjoy fielding questions from guests when a plush cigar bumps their ankle and the dog looks at them like they owe him rent.

Reassurance for Your Weird Purchase

• It’s not smoking, it’s character work.
• He only takes meetings during office hours, which are apparently whenever you sit down.
• The hat is optional, the attitude is not.